Monthly Archives: September 2006

Change of season

Point of trivia: between 10% and 20% of Canada Geese are homosexual. I figure that's about the same as the percentage of Canadian Humans that are homosexual. They also mate for life (gay or not). Geese are OK with gay marriage because they are more ethically evolved creatures than humans.

Anyway, I took that picture in a parking lot down the street from my house this morning.

(Original forum unavailable, sorry)*

Brain farts

Yesterday was a pretty messed up day for me. I actually had to have Marty drive me to my appointment because I was too disoriented and having too many seizures to feel safe driving. It was pretty hard to hold myself together emotionally through it, a few times I almost broke down sobbing because of not being able to understand what people were saying or what was going on around me, or even have my body do what I wanted it to do… It's very upsetting to me when my ability to control my brain and body decays to that level. I still went to the gym, but I couldn't control even basic motions or understand most of the words my trainer was using, so I think it was a bit of a waste of time because of it. That said, I hate breaking a schedule.

Thankfully I got a little more sleep than usual last night; maybe about four hours (I think I would have gotten more but I forgot to turn off my phone again and that woke me up). I feel a bit more lucid, and definitely a lot less shaky, but still have a really unpleasant gut feeling because of it. But things make a little more sense today I think.

I'm supposed to make an appointment for an annual physical. My doctor didn't think it was normal that I was losing a few pounds a day… I've compensated by eating mountains of food, but I can barely eat enough to maintain my weight. For the first time in my life I can see all of my ribs, from the bottom of my ribcage on up to the collar, which is pretty fucked up. It's funny, when you're fat (I was about 260), you don't like the way you look and you envy people who are thinner, but given the choice of the two, I definitely prefer fatter if those were my only two choices (luckily they're not). Anyway, I think it's just a combination of drug withdrawal symptoms, and my body adjusting to being more active. So I'm not terribly worried about it, but I imagine the physical is good advice.

Assuming I can hold myself together today (and I think I can), I have a couple business tasks to do, and will try and do a ton of BMEvideo uploads as well because I've taken far too long to get those posted. They're all ready to go now at least.

That's some graffiti near my house. It's on a wall that can't be seen from barely anywhere, and is covered in trees so even if you're next to it it's hard to see. I like that. It reminds me of the sculptures on the top of gothic cathedrals that can only be seen from the air… Enormous effort went into creating art that would never be seen by humans, with the reasoning that it would only be seen by God, for whom it was created — which even without the existence of God, I appreciate on a philosophical level.

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Clarify me

Not that I have a problem going to the doctor, but I am really looking forward to going today. I didn't remember to refill my anti-seizure prescription so I feel really fucked up right now and it's taking all of my concentration to stay relaxed. I'm shaking pretty badly and only got about two hours of sleep (I thought it was constant trains going by for half the night until I realized it was just me vibrating, ha).

It's not really fair to rely on someone else to help deal with this sort of thing, but it's times like this that I really miss being in a relationship simply for “survival” reasons. I imagine it's just an illusion of course, but I can move my consciousness, or what I perceive as the seat of my consciousness, around inside my body as well as maybe about a foot outside my body — so if someone touches me I can move myself into their body and just feel with their nerves instead. It's hard to explain, but it's really relaxing. I do it sometimes when I'm getting tattooed as well; if I touch the tattoo artist I just experience what they're doing and I can't feel any pain because I'm in their body not mine.

I don't know if it's real or an illusion. I think it's probably metaphorically real (like the experience is real but the explanation is wrong). Maybe that's another checkmark in the “Shannon=Crazy” file, not that I care one way or the other what it says in my file (as long as it's not boring). Anyway… time to force myself to cool down as much as possible, go make breakfast and lunch for Nefarious, and get her off to school…

Edit: Since I got a couple concerned messages from friends, I wanted to clarify that I'm just fine and there's nothing to worry about! I'm just really, really, really, really tired mostly. Too much work, too few hours.

(Original forum unavailable, sorry)*

Sunset 33

So according to the little ticker on my IAM page, as I write this I have twelve days to decide what I'm going to do for my birthday. I'm thinking booze, drugs, and hookers. Well, tonight my plan is easy. Watch the Simpsons with Marty and Jon.

That's tonight's sunset by the way.

(Original forum unavailable, sorry)*

Eight months before I can leave the city?

You know, I really like sitting by the railroad tracks. It's probably really unhealthy, but I like the smell of the oil on the rocks, the trees and bushes and weeds that border it, and even just watching the trains go by and watching the people walk across the bridge.

It's the closest to feeling away from the city within a walk of here… And it's not so much outside the city, but a swath cut through the city that feels like it may one day soon be reclaimed by nature. If I was a New Yorker, I'd be a friend of the High Line.

I'm not obsessive compulsive or anything, but for some reason lately whenever I hear some little melody on TV I feel like learning it. So thanks to Trailer Park Boys I can play Closer to the Heart and thanks to the Louisiana episode of Wild Boys I can play Dueling Banjos. Not that either of those is even vaguely hard to play, but that's good, because I can barely play.

Anyway… I'm just biding my time right now until I can find myself a nice piece of land up North a little. I'd love a nice rocky property on the Canadian shield with deep winters and crisp summers. Time's ticking away, and I don't want to fritter it all away here in the city. I think I'm going to carve giant stone heads for fun just to fuck with the future.

I figure that I'm a little too amok for city life anyway.

Well, time to finish off editing an interview…