Half empty entry

Here’s a foil taxidermy I made for no particular reason. I don’t like how it turned out. I wanted it to be cute but it isn’t at all, and making it out of foil rather than a darker matte finish was a poor choice. So I think this is a failure (trust me, this is a good picture of it — it really doesn’t look very good).

Today we went to the Royal Winter Fair and looked at all the animals and then the halls filled with people selling stuff that they’d imported from China masquerading as local craftsmanship (I got a gorgeous wooden bowl that I was a lot less happy with once I realized it was made by slave labor, which is my fault for once again falling for a too-good-to-be-true price), as well as lots of people selling preserves and other skills that are much more satisfying to do oneself at home. I’m probably grumpy from the difficulty and discomfort of walking so far (admittedly I spent much time sitting while Caitlin took Nefarious around the halls), but I’m really struck every time I go to the events at the CNE grounds what a horrible crowd of gelatinous ugliness I find myself surrounded with. Most people are just horrible, and maybe I forget that because I’ve spent most of my life surrounding myself with beautiful people, both in my real life and with BME, which is, to me, the very definition of self-actualized beauty. But the bunnies sure were nice.

Anyway, I used the last of my leftover silicone to try and cast a mold over a sculpture that I’ve grown less happy with over time. My drive is to make complex and detailed masters, but really for soap, it’s better to just keep it simple in terms of the design. This is not. But it didn’t matter because I didn’t have enough silicone to make a proper mold, and the front half broke apart (so the nose is all messed up) and this was a one-time-deal because the bits of the mold are now in the garbage.

In a couple days I’m back at the hospital’s pain clinic and I’m dreading it. If it wasn’t for needing to stick through this long enough to discover whether I’ve passed this curse on I wouldn’t bother because it’s been such a continual betrayal by a healthcare system that I desperately want to believe in. The last few times they’ve treated me like a drug-seeking addict and done nothing to help me. Not that prejudiced profiling is ever OK, but I suppose I understand how they could do that back when I had no “medical evidence”, but I’ve had diagnostic proof that something was going very, very wrong for a long time (ie. the CT scan, the nerve/muscle conductivity tests, strength tests, and so on) and it didn’t do a bit of good convincing them to help me. All I have now that I didn’t have before is a name for the disorder. Why should that make a difference? And if they don’t help me, what then? I mean, do I sue them? At what point does what they’re doing become so obviously cruel that it’s as wrong as any wartime torture? How is it OK to allow someone to live like this? I can sympathize with my family doctor, who is not an expert in either pain management let alone exotic muscle diseases saying that she’s afraid to lose her license — doctors have been criminally prosecuted for being too generous with pain treatment — but what is someone in my position to do? I have done everything they’ve asked and it sure feels like it’s never enough for them… We’ll see what happens, but given that they’ve already misplaced the paperwork with my diagnosis (thankfully I had the sense to take a photo of it before leaving), I’m more than a little worried.

Some more work has been done on the dollhouse, but it’s being played in now so it’s more like living in a house and renovating it at the same time. Much of what’s left is stuff that Nefarious can do on her own as well which is nice.

Oh and in more interesting news, Nefarious starts — after much begging (from her, not from me) — her BJJ classes in a few days. Should be a better outlet for all that energy than the ambitious and committed [but all in good fun] play fighting at school which is surely going to get someone hurt and/or in trouble eventually. It’s nice to have someone — two people really, as Caitlin has become a junior gym rat this year — to live vicariously through.

Well, as always I’m not bothering to proof read this rambling nothing, so I hope I have at least not reversed any meanings. And don’t think it’s all sadness and pain here. I’m sure I’m just off-loading my exhaustion and hatred of my physical experiences into this keyboard. Caitlin and I spent an hour last night laughing over my pronunciation of “alumimum” (to say nothing of “pronoun-ciation”). I guess those are the things that get you through. Oh and I’ve been liking streaming Netflix too. Unless I’m missing something it’s an awesome deal being able to watching any movies I want, non-stop 24/7, for under $10 a month.


  1. Marjorie wrote:

    I’ve been loving Netflix since it became available in Canada, cant wait to have access to the full american selection but the documentary section is prety awsome. Make sure to watch super high me.

    Saturday, November 6, 2010 at 7:55 pm | Permalink
  2. Hamish wrote:

    Hey Shannon – no kidding on the netflix tip but only if you’re on -
    a sensible ISP like teksavvy and not being raped by Rogers or Bell with their caps and overage charges.

    Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 5:54 am | Permalink
  3. Caitlin wrote:

    I’m surprised you didn’t mention those horrible monsters on the streetcar. Worst. Children. Ever.

    Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 7:51 am | Permalink
  4. starbadger wrote:

    Thank you for sharing with us your torments regards your torments.

    Also your praise of 24/7 Netflix (best crowd control to date0

    But what about your own copy of the three seasons of DEADWOOD.

    It’s more than a single quote such as

    - Al Swearengen: Pain or damage don’t end the world. Or despair, or fucking beatings. The world ends when you’re dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man… and give some back.

    Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 11:54 am | Permalink
  5. starbadger wrote:


    Al Swearengen: Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh.

    Al Swearengen: What the fuck are we talking about?

    Doc Cochran: A man being cared for and made comfortable ’til he expires. Girls you put to the task, deduct your time from my pay.

    Al Swearengen: I get the bag of shit.

    Doc Cochran: You get to care for a human being in his last extremity.

    Al Swearengen: A human being in his last extremity IS a bag of shit.

    sooner or later

    Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 12:04 pm | Permalink
  6. starbadger wrote:

    most of us die like deadwood

    in season one it’s new

    by season three each character is dragging so much past

    it’s still great tv but it isn’t new

    as camus said there is only one question in philosophy and it’s suicide

    this is just one of the many messages to be seen in Deadwood

    Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 12:13 pm | Permalink
  7. Warren wrote:

    Toronto is definitely spiraling downwards these days. Back in the day it was a bustling city of wonder and excitement. Now its just decaying full of those gelatinous ugliness you talk of.

    sorry to hear about the feelings towards the health care system, it definitely sucks. Got my own problems with Health Care system as well. Because my resume has ten years of Tattoo & Body Piercing studio work, they won’t take me seriously for employment.

    I LOVED Netflix in Australia because you signed up on the website, paid a monthly fee, and they sent you the DVDs with pre-paid return postage.

    Like Majorie said if you’re with Techsavy, Acanac, Yak,etc you’re golden. But I’d hate to see the bills of those using Netflix and are on Rogers/Bell. I’d owe them like a million dollars lol

    Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 12:23 pm | Permalink
  8. starbadger wrote:


    I write this not to tell you – because you know that you have my unconditional love (as if there can be any other kind of love)

    but others might think i am being cruel or unfeeling

    in fact i am doing none of that

    i am so happy that you share your feelings with people so well via your gifts of expression

    i don’t feel any pity for your condition as except that I am busy being me – I understand as I know you do too – that part of survial requires memory of the past – DEADWOOD – i hope opens the subject – it is identical to BME –

    one more time

    17.starbadger wrote:

    The Way and the Journey

    Remember the roads you have walked,

    Remember the names of things and people you’ve loved.

    These thoughts will leave you less alone,

    Even as you recall how they came,

    How they left and how the road continues.

    Sometimes memory speaks,
    Other times, it is silent.

    Why were we born?
    How was it, that two we love, loved,

    And in that moment

    Our beginnings were written.

    Richard – 1984

    Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 12:35 pm | Permalink
  9. Allahkat wrote:

    Netflix on the PS3 is Kevin’s and my favourite thing ever.

    Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 1:16 pm | Permalink
  10. Caitlin wrote:

    I love it on ipad best!

    Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 1:39 pm | Permalink
  11. Elizabeth wrote:

    People are like cows for the most part, it’s why anything with droves is bad.
    Netflix is the best and I too (along with starbadger)will always be hangdie(sp?) with Al Swearengen’s character.
    Hope they give you some pain management and may the Force be with you!

    Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 8:12 pm | Permalink
  12. Bill wrote:

    Could you fix the nose and other parts of the silicone master with caulk or some other related medium?

    It’d be unfortunate to trash the whole thing because of a snafu over the details.

    Monday, November 8, 2010 at 7:14 am | Permalink
  13. Carmen wrote:

    If Ari doesn’t end up liking BJJ or maybe you don’t end up liking the school, here’s a plug for Ky Young Taekwondo. They’re amazing with kids and located right on Dundas. Tons of positive reinforcement all while learning how to kick major amounts of ass.

    Monday, November 8, 2010 at 11:13 am | Permalink
  14. Smyttie² wrote:

    Don’t throw stuff away, Shannon. It could get on http://www.regretsy.com :-)

    Tuesday, November 9, 2010 at 11:58 pm | Permalink
  15. Rebekah wrote:

    could you let me know the best email address to paypal you for two soaps (and a price) – I’ve got my heart set on it for two holiday gifts !!

    Saturday, December 4, 2010 at 8:15 pm | Permalink
Wow Shannon, that's really annoying! What is it, 1997 on Geocities? Retroweb is NOT cool!

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